An open letter to my Dad.
I sure hope you are having eternal sunshine out there dad. Every time I am having a moment here, whether its crappy or amazing one, I think about what you could possibly be saying or thinking about it. Not a day goes by that I do not think about you…at least four or twelve times. In fact, when ever I work late (which you know is often) I can hear you saying; “Night Sugar”- in that sort of tone you used when you wanted me to understand it was time to be with myself, rest, go to bed.
When I finally give in to tiredness and go home to be with the kids and D, I think about how you ALWAYS made sure you were home to receive us- you were always the first one to arrive… it was the BEST feeling to come home and see you sitting out in front of the house with Bonnie & Clyde just relaxing and taking time to gather your thoughts. Something that to this day I am trying to fully be successful at… accepting that sometimes I need time to myself, and if it means sitting in the car in between appointments or while waiting for my mac-n-cheese to cook… I do not need to fill every waking moment with anything “productive.” Relaxing is part of the balance and the clear mind for success right? Isn’t that what you would try to tell me often?
Speaking of things you said often… I am pretty sure that my everyday is somehow influenced by something you didn’t say often if ever but I knew in my heart and mind- which was that you would always be by my side. As I sit here and wonder if I am making you proud with everything I am doing with my life, I can’t help but laugh about the time you told me my life was not over because I could not crash into the Spanish class that I needed to graduate… nothing felt better than being next to you as I cried my heart out to you during commercial breaks of Project Runway, and after making you a margarita if coarse 🙂 . Oh the tragic comedy of it all. I love you dad for humoring my dramatic moments… Who knew that my life really wasn’t over then, that I would not even be working in the field that I was studying, and that making you the perfect margaritas would remain as one of my most cherished memories with you (next to making you pizza).
As it turns out, life isn’t over after all. You saw me graduate and work that great job that gave me a company appointed pink razr phone, along with a hard hat… which went great with my heels for when I went to the construction site. Oh that was funny… I know you are still laughing with me that my first day on the job included going into a construction zone in a skirt. Ha!
Well my days aren’t like that anymore. Nothing like that at all actually, and I KNOW you are proud and support me. You encourage me all the time, with every challenge and every epiphany that follows it, I know you are guiding me along. Last year I felt you tell me you approved of the path I decided to take, when I did a wedding which was sent my way by a lovely nurse who worked at the hospice, I had never met the nurse but she knew I stopped in there all the time with flowers from weddings, something I started doing after we got those lovely flowers while you were staying there. So, the lovely nurse gave my name to a lovely couple… who by the way reminded me of you and Mo immensely… and I got to be part of their life for the day. It was a really emotional day for me. I loved every second of it. Just as I loved taking her leftover flowers to the hospice that night as well. I don’t know that you remember Richard, but he makes sure that room 212 always gets the best flowers that I bring every time… and I run into so many people there in the middle of the night on any given weekend- it’s so strange yet incredible. I know it’s weird, but stopping by there before going home is one of the most calming things for me after a long day. I know you go with me every time too.
I think about you every single day Chuckesito. I know you always advised to not get emotionally attached to things that cannot love me back… kinda like this building I am currently sitting in… The old Naval Training Center… Who would have thought I’d ever end up in an office in the barracks where you started your Naval career. I think I like to work late because it’s like you are here with me, kinda like when we used to stay up late to watch Law & Order even though we both had to be up for work at 5am… and knew we were dozing off and missed the twist! When I come up the stairs there is a uniform in a museum case that looks just like yours, the one I used to wear in high school as a fashion statement… HAHA! A sailor’s top and a mini skirt, if I saw someone wearing that now, or parading in ribbons that were not theirs (as I also used to fashionably wear), I’d be so mad! I love being here, I love that you can see me from up in the Fort too… dude, we’ve got the best views dad!
A few days ago I had a dream that I was a sailor and that I had a big loud diesel truck, man how I hated that truck! There is an irony to wanting a mini cooper when I was dreaming I had a Hemi powered Ram just like yours … You’re always on my mind. I miss you tons. I love you even more. I am so glad that you are constantly with me, because you help me get through the toughest of days…. Just like Mo inspires me to reach for the galaxies past the moon, you are the anchor that continually keeps me steady. Thank you for always being with me.
Sugar #2 (bc I know Mo is Sugar #1)
P.S. yes I know… I’m going home…